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When others don't see you're grieving

Some losses are readily recognised by the people around you. Others may be less visible, not understood or not acknowledged at all. You can be grieving something deeply while feeling there is little space or permission to show it.

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The term disenfranchised grief is sometimes used to describe grief that is not recognised or supported by other people or by wider society. Having a name for this experience can be useful, but you do not need to identify with the term for your loss to matter.

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There are many reasons why grief may go unseen. Other people may not know about the relationship, understand its importance, or recognise the loss in the same way you do. The circumstances may also be private, complicated or difficult to talk about.

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What might this feel like?

Sometimes it is the nature of a relationship or loss that makes grief difficult to share. At other times, you may find that people around you simply do not understand why someone or something was important to you. You might be grieving:

• an estranged parent, child, partner or other family member where there was distance, conflict or unresolved feelings

• a former partner or someone from an important relationship that had ended

• a partner or intimate relationship that other people did not know about or recognise

• someone with whom you had a close relationship that others did not understand

• a pregnancy or baby loss that was private or not widely known

• a pet or other animal that had an important place in your life

• someone in public life whose death connects with memories, identity or earlier experiences

• a death that others expect you to have ‘moved on’ from because a long time has passed.

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Sometimes the loss itself is recognised, but the complexity of your feelings is not. You may be grieving a difficult or harmful relationship and experience sadness alongside anger, relief, guilt or regret.

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When there seems to be little room for these experiences, you may find yourself keeping your grief private, which can bring an additional sense of isolation.

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How might counselling help?

Counselling offers a confidential space where your loss does not have to meet someone else’s definition of what is significant or worthy of grief.

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You can talk about the relationship or loss as you experienced it, including feelings that may be complicated, contradictory or difficult to share elsewhere. You do not have to justify why someone or something mattered to you.

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Counselling can also give you space to explore what it has been like for your grief to go unseen, unrecognised or unspoken.