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Is this normal?

After a bereavement or significant loss, you may wonder whether what you are thinking or feeling is normal. Grief can bring emotions and reactions that are unfamiliar, confusing or difficult to explain.

There is no single way to grieve. You may experience sadness, anger, guilt, relief, numbness, anxiety or longing – sometimes several feelings at once, and sometimes very little for a time. Your relationship with the person who died, and the circumstances surrounding the loss, may also shape your experience.

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Grief can change over time. The early days may feel very different from the months or years that follow, and there is no timetable for when you should feel differently. An earlier loss can also become important again years later, bringing thoughts or feelings that you have not previously had an opportunity to explore.

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What might grief feel like?

Grief can be felt and expressed in many different ways, and your experience may change from day to day. Some reactions may make sense to you, while others may feel surprising or difficult to understand. You might:

• feel very sad one day but able to enjoy something the next

• feel numb or find it difficult to believe that the person has died

• experience anger towards the person who died, other people, yourself or the circumstances of the death

• feel guilty about something you did, said or did not do

• feel relief, particularly after a difficult relationship, long illness or demanding period of caring

• find yourself returning to events surrounding the death or conversations from the past

• notice grief more strongly around birthdays, anniversaries, family occasions or unexpected reminders

• find that a loss from many years ago has become important again.

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None of these experiences tells you how well or badly you are grieving. Feelings that seem to contradict each other can also exist at the same time.

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How might counselling help?

Not everyone who is grieving needs counselling. You may find support through family, friends, faith, community, or other people and places in your life. At other times, a confidential space without expectations about what you should be feeling can be helpful.

 

Bereavement counselling gives you time to put experiences into words, explore feelings that may be difficult to share elsewhere, and consider what the loss means for you now. A counsellor is there to listen and help you explore your experience, rather than decide what is normal or tell you how to grieve.