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In a family, everyone grieves differently

When someone in your family dies, each person has lost someone different. You may have lost a parent, while someone else has lost a partner, sibling, child or grandparent. Even when you share the same relationship to the person who died, your experiences of that relationship and of the bereavement may be very different.

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You may also have different ways of responding to grief. Perhaps you want to talk frequently about the person who died while another family member would rather not. You may want company when someone else needs time alone, or find that what you need changes from one day to another.

 

These differences can make family relationships difficult at a time when you may particularly hope to support one another. Sometimes families are able to share their grief. At other times, different feelings, needs and ways of coping can lead to misunderstanding, frustration or distance.

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What might this feel like?

Grieving within a family can mean trying to manage your own loss while being aware that people around you are grieving too. What feels supportive to you may not be what another person needs, and those differences can sometimes be difficult to navigate. You might:

• want to talk about the person who died when other family members do not

• find another person’s way of grieving difficult to understand

• need support from someone who does not currently have the capacity to provide it

• find yourself supporting others while having little space for your own grief

• feel hurt or unsettled when another person begins socialising or enjoying life again

• disagree about funerals, possessions, anniversaries or ways of remembering the person

• find that existing tensions or difficult relationships become more noticeable

• feel close to family members at some times and isolated from them at others.

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How someone grieves does not necessarily tell you how much they cared about the person who died. Different responses can reflect different relationships, circumstances and needs.

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How might counselling help?

Counselling can offer something different from support within your family: confidential time with someone who is outside the family and is not experiencing the same bereavement.

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This can give you space to talk without needing to protect, reassure or support someone else. You might explore your own grief as well as frustration, anger, guilt or changes in family relationships.

There is no expectation that you and your family should grieve in the same way. Counselling offers space to understand your own experience while recognising that the experiences of those around you may be very different.