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How can I help?

It can be difficult to know how to support someone after a bereavement. You may worry about saying the wrong thing, upsetting them by mentioning the person who died, or intruding when they would rather be alone.

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There is no perfect thing to say or one right way to offer support. What someone wants or needs may also change over time. They might want to talk on one occasion and prefer some space on another.

You may hesitate to mention the person who died because you are worried about reminding someone of their loss. Acknowledging what has happened can let them know that you have not forgotten and leave room for them to talk if they want to.

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What might support look like?

Support can take many forms, and small gestures can matter as much as longer conversations. What feels appropriate will depend on your relationship, the circumstances and what the person is comfortable with. You might:

• acknowledge the death and let them know you are thinking about them

• listen without feeling that you need to find an answer or make things better

• use the name of the person who died and be open to hearing memories about them

• make room for feelings about the death or relationship that you did not expect

• offer something specific, such as making a meal, going for a walk or helping with an everyday task

• continue making contact beyond the first weeks and months

• remember that birthdays, anniversaries, religious festivals and other occasions may bring the loss into focus again

• respect someone’s need for space while leaving the possibility of contact open.

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If someone becomes more withdrawn, you may want to keep in gentle contact without expecting a response. Support does not always require a long conversation. A message or practical offer can be another way of showing that you are still there.

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Might counselling help?

You may want to help someone find additional support, particularly if you are concerned about how they are managing. Counselling, however, depends on the person choosing to take part.

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You can tell them about CCIWBS, share information from this website or suggest that they look at the counselling options available. If making contact feels difficult, you might offer to sit with them while they read the information or complete a self-referral.

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Not everyone needs or wants counselling after a bereavement. For someone who would like a space outside family, friendships or other relationships, counselling can offer confidential time to talk about and explore their experience.