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Grief is messy
Grief is messy
Grief rarely stays the same from one day to the next. At times, your loss may take up almost all of your attention. At others, you may become absorbed in work, family, friends or ordinary daily life. You might laugh, enjoy something or go for hours without thinking about the person who died.
One way of understanding this movement is the Dual Process Model of Grief, developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut. It describes how you may move between focusing on your loss and engaging with everyday life and the changes that follow a bereavement.
This does not happen in a regular pattern. You may move between the two many times, even within the same day. Having periods when grief feels less present does not mean that your loss matters less or that you are forgetting the person who died.
What might this feel like?
This movement can show up in ordinary and sometimes unexpected ways. What feels manageable one day may feel very different the next, and reminders can appear when you are not expecting them. You might:
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spend time thinking about the person who died, missing them or remembering experiences you shared
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find yourself returning repeatedly to events surrounding the death
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become absorbed in work, caring responsibilities, friends or an activity and not think about your loss for a while
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laugh or enjoy yourself and then feel surprised or guilty that this was possible
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have a relatively manageable day followed by one when your loss feels much more present
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be reminded of the person by a smell, piece of music, place or familiar object
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feel their absence particularly strongly at a wedding, birthday, religious festival or other important occasion
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find that an anniversary brings back detailed memories, whether the loss was recent or many years ago.
These shifts can make grief feel unpredictable. You may wonder why yesterday felt manageable when today feels much harder.
How might counselling help?
The Dual Process Model offers one way of making sense of these changes, without suggesting that grief should become easier in a steady or predictable way.
Counselling can provide a confidential space to explore whatever feels important at the time. You may want to talk about the person who died, or about relationships, work, practical changes and other parts of your life.
A counsellor can help you explore these different experiences without expecting you to be at a particular point in your grief or follow a particular path.