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When caring ends

When someone you have cared for dies, your loss may involve much more than the death itself. Caring may have shaped your everyday life, relationships, work, finances and plans for the future. It may also have become an important part of how you see yourself.

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Experiences of caring vary greatly. You may have cared for a parent from a young age, left work to support a family member, cared for a partner over many years, or found yourself becoming a carer unexpectedly during a short illness. Caring may have felt loving and meaningful, but it may also have been exhausting, isolating or frustrating, or something you felt you had little choice about.

 

After the death, grief may sit alongside relief that the person’s suffering has ended or that your caring responsibilities are over. You may also feel anger about what you both experienced, particularly if the practical, financial or emotional support you needed was not available.

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What might this feel like?

When caring ends, many parts of your life can change at once. As well as grieving for the person who died, you may be adjusting to the loss of routines, responsibilities or a role that had occupied much of your time and attention. You might:

• miss the person while also feeling relief that caring has ended

• feel guilty or uncomfortable about experiencing relief

• suddenly have time that was previously organised around caring

• feel unsure of who you are now that you are no longer a carer

• miss the closeness or sense of purpose that caring provided

• feel angry about struggling without enough practical, financial or emotional support

• feel isolated after losing contact with friends, colleagues or activities while caring

• worry about returning to work, gaps in employment or changes in your finances.

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Several losses can therefore exist alongside the bereavement itself. At the same time, you may begin to think about possibilities that were not available to you while you were caring. These experiences do not have to fit neatly together.

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How might counselling help?

It can be difficult to talk openly about caring after a death, particularly when your feelings include anger, resentment or relief alongside sadness and affection.

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Counselling offers a confidential space where you do not have to simplify these experiences. You can talk about your relationship with the person who died, what caring asked of you, what you valued and what you found difficult.

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It can also give you time to explore what it is like no longer to be a carer, and what living differently might mean for you now.