About Bereavement
Bereavement is something which most people experience at some time in their lives. While no two people react in quite the same way, you might find it helpful to have the following information about the more common patterns that bereavement can take. ( It is important to recognise though that sometimes, due to circumstances, a bereaved person may not be able to grieve their loss at the time. Sometimes unresolved hurts can emerge at a later point, often provoked by another loss or life event).
There are often four recognisable stages:
i) Immediate reaction - Shock, Disbelief
This can last either a few hours, days, or even some weeks. You may have found that you have been very calm and organised during this period and rather detached; conversely you might have felt completely at sea.
ii) Being unable to accept the loss
This often involves what has been called 'searching behaviour' which means that at some level you are trying to deny that the death has occurred and, in doing so, you might find yourself making mistakes which can be worrying. For example, thinking that you have heard or seen the dead person, going to pick up the telephone if you regularly used to call etc. You might even find yourself, at odd moments of the day, actually looking for him or her. Again, this is perfectly normal.
iii) Despair and depression
During this stage, which is often the longest, you may find that you have lost all interest in living and feel there is no point in going on. The intensity of the feelings can sometimes seem unending. You may even question your own sanity and think that you are "going mad". This, though very painful, is a common experience
iv) Reorganisation
This occurs usually with the passage of time and when the pain has eased somewhat, you may find yourself being able to remember without necessarily feeling overwhelmingly sad. This can be a time for you to try to begin life again and it is important that you should renew old interests and take up new pursuits. This may seem disloyal to the person or people who have died, but what has happened in the past is always an important part of you and is not affected by your enjoying the present.
How you can help yourself
As well as being grieved and sad, you must also be prepared to feel any of the following: guilt, panic, fear, self-pity and anger - even at the person/people who have died. Many people some time after a death may experience a loss of confidence and ordinary coping skills. If you do experience these emotions you may feel you ought to hide them, but they too are part of bereavement. It is important that you share them with a supportive listener. You may find yourself feeling hurt and convinced that some of your friends are avoiding you. Unfortunately this often happend and is probably due to embarrassment - "not knowing what to say". It may be up to you to take the first step. Let them know that you need them and their support.
Wanting to run away
Bereavement is a time of very painful and confusing emotions, but it is considered necessary to experience these in order to begin to build your life again. It is sometimes very tempting to feel that life would be more bearable if you moved house, quickly disposed of possessions, or refused to see people. There is a very natural urge to avoid painful things. However, this usually makes things worse and decisions like these must be given great thought.
Overcoming Isolation
It is not uncommon, as well as feeling emotionally hurt, to feel physically run-down, to find it difficult to eat, sleep, concentrate and so on. Eventually these symptoms will disappear. Only if they persist for a long time should you begin to worry and seek the support of your doctor.
Grief is a very individual process and we each of us react differently, so don't feel that you are in any way abnormal if yours does not appear to follow the pattern outlined above.Equally it is a very isolating process: we feel as if no one else could possibly experience what we are going through. Try to bear in mind and reassure yourself that millions have - and have survived.